Funny Holiday Stories

[maggiethecat]

The idea for this thread, I'm sure, was prompted by my first holiday viewing of A Christmas Story. How did I neglect to add this to my Top Ten Favorite Movies? Years ago, Siskel & Ebert did a show naming their top three movies of the 1980s. Gene Siskel (may he rest in peace) picked three very weighty films, probably foreign. Roger picked two I can't remember and A Christmas Story. When Gene raised a saturnine eyebrow, Roger said, "Don't laugh. This thing is going to become a classic."

And it has.

You'll put your eye out!

So here's my silly Christmas story, and it's about Maggie the cat, She Who Must Be Obeyed, and she from whom I took my board moniker. An unofficial Maine Coon beauty, a brown-and-black longhaired tabby with white paws, splendid (if I say so) white ruff, and round green eyes exactly the color of Thompson seedless grapes. Here we go:

Last night I put up what passes for a Christmas tree around here, and will until Maggie is (hopefully very) old: a lighted-and-decorated garland atop my grandmother's glassfront bookcase. The first year we had Maggie, we put up a tree. She was four months old then -- what was I thinking? For three days she didn't notice it and we thought we were home free. On the fourth day she was racing by -- I saw this happen -- and literally skidded to a dead stop, looked up, and said, "Whoa . . . is that for me?" Whereupon her goal in life, like Sir Edmund Hillary, became to reach the summit. The next night we caught her halfway up, trying to eat a feathered bird ornament, lights wound around her. My mother was laughing so hard she couldn't stand up straight, not crying "Get the cat" but "Get the camera!" So we took pictures, rescued poor silly little Maggie, and promptly took the tree down. I love a good Christmas tree, but I love my Maggie more.

I've got to dig out the picture, mail it to Shmeep, and see if she can scan it and post it for me (me no digital woman).

More silly, funny, and unforgetable holiday moments, anyone?

Mags

[doobrah]

Ask and ye shall receive!!

Let's go back several ...ahem! ... well, more than several... years, back before the days of widespread microwaves, monster gas grills and turkey fryers. I was working in radio at the time, and I actually had Christmas day off! I made very little money and was still living at home, and as one of the youngest people at the station, I got to work most of the holidays except this particular Christmas day.

So, it's Christmas morning, and time for my grandmother to put the turkey in the oven. It's been saged, and buttered and salted and peppered and ready to go. Well. As soon as Nana turns the oven knob to set the temperature, sparks fly inside the oven accompanied by a loud POP!

The oven is dead. The bird is thawed. The sweet potatoes and dressing apparently will not get baked.
My mother has a conniption. My father suggests a restaurant. My mother yells, 'We're not going to throw away a perfectly good turkey!!!" She toys with the idea of cutting it up and boiling it (can you tell her side of the family is English/Scotch-Irish?). Mmmmm... pale poached turkey!!

So I remember (light bulb moment) that the radio station has a microwave!!! My mother is mortified. "What will everyone say?" (at least not "You'll put your eye out," Mags!) I actually have to explain that only the disc jockey will be there, and he won't care. She she then turns on the radio to see who's on and whether it's one of the jocks she likes.
(It is.)

So my father and I wrap the bird up and wrap ourselves up and head over the the radio station. As it's a holiday, I have to go to the back door and buzz the intercom so the DJ can let me in. Lee cannot believe I am there and about died laughing when he learns the reason.

So about an hour or so later, we have ... ta da! ... a still very white, but cooked, turkey. And a hungry disc jockey, who to this day still reminds me of my country Christmas turkey!!

(It actually turned out ok, and the oven got replaced after New Years Day.)

Then there was the year the tree fell over onto the dog...

[Eyphur]

I'd like to start off with a picture of a scared baby on a department store santa picture.



Now for my story.

First some background information:

About 40 years ago my Grandpa brought home a stuffed Santa that he won in a raffle. After being missing for many years the stuffed Santa turned up about 5 years ago and my Dad thinks it's the greatest thing. My Mom, however, hates it. So she began to hide or dress up Santa in various ways. In the past Santa has been discovered in the shower, perched over a toilet and hidden under the blankets of their bed. Santa has also been dressed up in a hula outfit (complete with grass skirt and coconut bikini top) and as a cheerleader. It's all in good fun.

Last December, my mom and I were watching TV late one night (Dad had already gone to bed) with Santa sitting nearby in a chair. It was a decorate your home for the holidays type program. An advertisement came on for a show on the Discovery Channel about mummies. Suddenly the spark of inspiration came to me. I turned to my Mom and said "Woundn't it be funny if we got a roll of toilet paper and mummified Santa?" And my Mom just jumped right off the couch and ran into the bathroom for the TP. So we wrapped Santa up and giggled for the next hour. I couldn't look at her without having to stiffle a laugh.

So here is Santa Mummy.

[shmeep]

Mom continued to hang our stockings for far longer than was appropriate--always the same four red felt stockings she had made for us with our names on them. Of course, they took a beating over the years. Mike's stocking started to disintegrate, so Mom always had to line it with a plastic grocery store bag so all the goodies wouldn't fall out. This went on until the stocking was really more plastic bag than stocking, but it was tradition, so we kept it up. The "I" fell off of Ricky's stocking so, one year, we replaced it with an "O" because it amused us.

Eventually Lula, a rather odd guy who adopted our family over the years, eating our food, entering the house without knocking, and calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad," decided he needed a stocking so he turned "Rocky's" stocking around and made it say "Lula," hoping my mom would have something for him as well. Someone gave him a switch and a lump of coal once, but he didn't take the hint.

Mom finally stopped hanging the stockings when three of us had moved out and two of us were married. I'm thinking Lula may have been the last straw.

[shmeep]

I have another one, if you can take more.

In my late high school, early college drop-out days, we used to videotape our Christmas mornings. It was far more fun than the way my dad used to film us on his old 8mm movie camera with the blinding football stadium lights attached so we couldn't see the gifts we were opening. (We have hours of footage of the four of us squinting toward the camera and frowning as we struggled to see each other.) The video camera was quite a novelty in comparison, capturing some of Rick's bad haircuts, Mike's high school acne, and my shrill teeny-bopper voice as I angled for attention.

The moments that still make me smile when I think of them are isolated Randy quotes. Mike always likes to buy very practical gifts and one year, he got Randy jumper cables and my dad a plunger for the toilet. Our video of that year shows Randy opening his jumper cables. "Jumper cables?!!?" he shouted, jumping to his feet and excitedly showing them to the camera (he was about 21 at the time). "Oh boy! I'm going to go try them right now!" A while later, he got a hold of Dad's plunger. Holding the plunger so it seemed to be coming at the camera, Randy said, "Okay, who got Dad the gift of love this year?"

[doobrah]

doobrah said:

Ask and ye shall receive!!

Let's go back several ...ahem! ... well, more than several... years, back before the days of widespread microwaves, monster gas grills and turkey fryers. I was working in radio at the time, and I actually had Christmas day off! I made very little money and was still living at home, and as one of the youngest people at the station, I got to work most of the holidays except this particular Christmas day.

So, it's Christmas morning, and time for my grandmother to put the turkey in the oven. It's been saged, and buttered and salted and peppered and ready to go. Well. As soon as Nana turns the oven knob to set the temperature, sparks fly inside the oven accompanied by a loud POP!

The oven is dead. The bird is thawed. The sweet potatoes and dressing apparently will not get baked.
My mother has a conniption. My father suggests a restaurant. My mother yells, 'We're not going to throw away a perfectly good turkey!!!" She toys with the idea of cutting it up and boiling it (can you tell her side of the family is English/Scotch-Irish?). Mmmmm... pale poached turkey!!

So I remember (light bulb moment) that the radio station has a microwave!!! My mother is mortified. "What will everyone say?" (at least not "You'll put your eye out," Mags!) I actually have to explain that only the disc jockey will be there, and he won't care. She she then turns on the radio to see who's on and whether it's one of the jocks she likes.
(It is.)

So my father and I wrap the bird up and wrap ourselves up and head over the the radio station. As it's a holiday, I have to go to the back door and buzz the intercom so the DJ can let me in. Lee cannot believe I am there and about died laughing when he learns the reason.

So about an hour or so later, we have ... ta da! ... a still very white, but cooked, turkey. And a hungry disc jockey, who to this day still reminds me of my country Christmas turkey!!

(It actually turned out ok, and the oven got replaced after New Years Day.)

Then there was the year the tree fell over onto the dog...

And guess who I just got an email from? The disc jockey in the story above. Here's part of what he has to say:

"One thing to look forward to: you and your Dad won't have to drag a raw turkey to the radio station for radiation treatments!"

This story has legs!!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

[bjobsessed]

maggiethecat said:

The next night we caught her halfway up, trying to eat a feathered bird ornament, lights wound around her.

This story isn't as funny as yours but it involves my other cat, Sister. My dad has apartments that he rents. We actually got Sister because one of my dad's tenants moved out and left her behind. The first Christmas we had her, we couldn't find her anywhere. After looking all over for about twenty minutes, we finally found her asleep about 3/4 of the way up the Christmas tree. I don't know how she got up there without knocking the tree over. She gets quite chubby in the winter because she doesn't like to go out in the cold and the snow.

Or there's the time my dad made me laugh so hard about something that jello came out my nose. Let me tell you that feels gross!

[carl1951]

When I was about 20, I received a Timex watch for Christmas (The windup kind).
Promptly lost it in my sister's yard the following Spring.

About 8 years ago, I stopped-by by sister's house, just before Christmas to deliver the presents, and tripped on a rock....yeah there was the Timex under the rock imbedded in the mud.

And yes, "It kept on ticking."

I still have it, the original strap had disintegrated.

Later, Carl

[rducasey]

carl1951 said:

When I was about 20, I received a Timex watch for Christmas (The windup kind).
Promptly lost it in my sister's yard the following Spring.

About 8 years ago, I stopped-by by sister's house, just before Christmas to deliver the presents, and tripped on a rock....yeah there was the Timex under the rock imbedded in the mud.

And yes, "It kept on ticking."


I still have it, the original strap had disintegrated.

Later, Carl

Wow Carl, that is amazing. John Cameron Swayze would be impressed. Okay, that dates me.

[bjobsessed]

rducasey said:

John Cameron Swayze would be impressed. Okay, that dates me.

Who is that? I'm being serious. I really don't know.

[carl1951]

John Cameron Swayze was an announcer who would be in a commercial everytime there would be a new one for Timex. I believe he was an old sports announcer from radio and early television.

He'd be the guy with the microphone giving a play-by-play type announcement of how an athlete would wear a Timex, a skier, swimmer, boxer, bull-rider, etc. Then announce afterward, with a close-up shot of the watch on the wrist of the athlete, and he's something like; "After that grueling ride, the sweep-second hand is still moving." Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

I think you can find one of the old commercials somewhere on the web to enjoy the "It keeps on ticking commercials," that made the Timex Commercials part of great television history.

Later, Carl

Just a side: I don't wear it, it's in my dresser drawer.

[carl1951]

I almost answered, "It's me Carl, that's who." But, I can be serious once in awhile.

Later, Carl

[bjobsessed]

carl1951 said:

John Cameron Swayze was an announcer who would be in a commercial everytime there would be a new one for Timex. I believe he was an old sports announcer from radio and early television.

He'd be the guy with the microphone giving a play-by-play type announcement of how an athlete would wear a Timex, a skier, swimmer, boxer, bull-rider, etc. Then announce afterward, with a close-up shot of the watch on the wrist of the athlete, and he's something like; "After that grueling ride, the sweep-second hand is still moving." Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

I think you can find one of the old commercials somewhere on the web to enjoy the "It keeps on ticking commercials," that made the Timex Commercials part of great television history.

Thanks Carl. I'm very familiar with those commercials. I just didn't know the guy's name. But, to say it twice in an hour or two--Now I know.

[carl1951]

You're welcome!

Later, Carl