The pain of parenthood

[montrealslp]

Any other parents out there who'd like to give me some advice...?

I have 2 beautiful daughters (ages 18 & 19) that give me tremendous JOY, nearly always. And when they give me pain, it isn't because they've disappointed or hurt me... it's just because sometimes life is like that. I'm going through that right now and I really didn't expect this.

I'll try to make the story short...

My eldest, Jen, has been dating Jake for 3 years now. Met him in college just before she turned 17 and they've been a couple ever since. I love this kid (Jake I mean.... well, Jen too...) Anyway, I really love Jake and he's been part of the family for what seems like forever. So...cut to the chase here... Jen broke up with him. Her reasons are very good. She choked out through her tears that she just needs to be young and have fun right now. I fully understand that. She's never had the opportunity to be a free young adult and go out on the town unencumbered or anything. 16 really is too young to be committed to someone and stay that way forever. She's a kid and needs to have a good time and date others and all that. So, I completely support her in this decision and in fact, I admire her maturity and wisdom in making it. I know it wasn't easy for her to do this, because she really loves Jake. So, what's the problem? Well, my heart is breaking. I've been weepy since she told me.... I just really love that guy and I feel like I've lost a son. I have no idea if I'll ever see him again and this came as such a shock. They never fought, always were very loving and tender with one another..so it was right out of the bue for me. So, of course, I haven't had any opportunity for closure... I'd just like to tell Jake I love him and say good-bye. It's just very painful and my heart is breaking.

Parenting, as everyone knows, is a learn-on-the-job deal. They don't come with instruction manuals. I just never expected my daughter's relationships to cause ME so much pain. I expected my heart to break if THEY were in pain, but it's really a shock to me that this pain is mine...really mine, and not just a response to Jen's. It's so strange.

Have any of you dealt with this before? Any advice?

-Myra

[rducasey]

Myra,
I am thinking about you and wish I had better advice than "time heals". It is hard for you since you really cared about this boy, and it is coming as you said "right out of the blue". Trust your daughter that she is making the right decision and be there for her. If given the opportunity to speak with Jake you can let him know how much he has meant to you and the family, but for now, I would step back and let Jen handle it. Parenting definitely is the hardest job in the world, and our children's pain is our pain. We often think we can fix things that are not ours to fix. Just be supportive of Jen and be there for her and know we are all here thinking of you.
Sincerely, Mary

[dogma]

we have no children, but speaking from my own past experiences,, i was extremely involved w/ a man on and off for over 20 yrs,, (long story, first time i found out he was dating other women ) i moved out of state, we both married other people,, got divorced,, and found each other again,, but something wasn't right every time we tried to make a future together,,

anyways,, my family and his family are still close,, we have become friends again ,, my folks never lost their connection with him, and always considered him family, regardless of how our relationship was going,

now, we run into each other a few times a year, and it's a nice comfortable situation.

i guess i'm saying that regardless of the relationship with jen and jake, you can keep a special bond between you two

good luck,, i know it's hard,, and who knows,, maybe in the future, jen will realize she made the right decision to see how life is as a single young woman, or decide she can't live with out jake,,

[verorl]

Myra, I wish I had advice for you. My children are still young (8 and 5), and right now I'm dealing with a learning disability, wars over homework with them and a school bully with my little one. Sometimes it can be heartbreaking.

I was in a similar situation as Jen. I had a boyfriend who was a great guy, but I felt I needed to break up with him. The one person that I really, really missed was his mom. I didn't keep in touch with her, but sometimes I wish I did. I would keep my distance for now, but if you see Jake, or talk to him, let him know he is still a friend of the family, especially if he and Jen ended in good terms.

[montrealslp]

Thanks so much for your words of concern and comfort, girls. You don't know how much I appreciate it. This is still such a sad sad time for me. I'm having a hard time shaking these blues (the tears just flow...), but I do know that time is a good healer. No one knows what the future holds... Jake may remain a wonderful part of this family but only time will reveal that. And if not, I feel we were blessed to have him in our family for the last 3 years. I really do need closure though... I just need to see him again, just to express some things to him that are in my heart. I can't do that right now, out of respect for Jen's wishes, but I trust in time that she'll be okay with me contacting him once more. Anyway, thanks again. I just needed a place to vent some of this and you guys are so sweet and caring. Take care, Myra