Today at 9:57pm, ashatan wrote: <<<
I had to handle a suicidal mother for years, ( she never managed ) but dealing with her "accidents" from when I was about 8 years old certainly gave me moreof an iron grip on fear and disgust emotins, however when it comes to someone like my DH, ( we are still in honey moon mode after 15 years) I am quite squeamish and just as "girly" over him getting hurt as any normal woman.
Strange huh, how we deal with things?
Natascha >>>
i know i am not the normal wife ( and we'll be 15 yrs on may 11 ) and i do love my d/h dearly,, but when he would come home w/ a banged up finger, i'd say " i've seen people come into the trauma center w/ their legs cut off,, put a bandaide on it and get back to work " i guess i'm more of the tough love type,, cuz i don't cut myself any slack
i broke my hand once,, using a log splitter,, after cussing and putting ice on it, i realized i wasn't doing any good just sitting around, ,and went back out and tried to do it w/ my wrist and other arm,, i did admit defeat after attempting to split some hefty sized logs
on another note: and i guess this might be one of my longest posts: i have always had pretty firm feelings about people that attempt suicide as a weakness,,and usually they usually did attempt it for attention
then, 5 yrs ago, ,my brother in law blew his face off,, he was always in trouble,, at the age of 28,, had never had a job longer than a few wks ( some lasted a few hrs) and he never ever took responsibility for his actions
his girlfriend called his parole officer and told about her near fatal beating, and the day he pulled the trigger was the day he had a meeting w/ the parole officer
but then,, my issues that were black and white started to fade to grey,, when my own dad took his life,,17 months ago,, but the circumstances were so differant,, and i have such deep feelings of pride for him
you see,, he was wasting away from a debilitating /degenerative process as the result of a bad auto accident 44 yrs ago,, when i was 7,, and all of our lives,, he suffered,, and had multple surgeries,, and never qualified for any of the new pain management procedures ( implanting a pian control device , for example )
he was a man of strong will and firm conviction,, he was on his plan , and it took 5 yrs for him to carry it thru,, he had to make sure my mom was comfortable in their new home ,,
and he got all of his ducks in a row,, he met up with llife long friends,, gave them books and other items of sentimental value,, wrote a letter to mom,, and then went and shot himself out behind the funeral director's office,, but with his weakness,, the pistol moved,, and he missed his heart,, they life flighted him to pittsburgh,, where my mom and three siblings got to spend time with him,, ( also bear in mind,, he took my family/ siblings out to eat the nite before ) and bought repair items for my d/h's equipment
my husband traveled for his job,, and was working 20 miles from my folks,, and stayed with them,, my sister's husband also travels,,( sometime to india and china ) and he was home for several weeks,, and dad also took that into consideration
he was wasting away,, and had a hard time taking care of himself...
but i am drifting,,,
i didn't get to see him till after his surgery,, as my poor d/h had to drive the 2 hrs to get me,, and then pack and drive 2 hrs back,, i spent time with him alone in icu,, he was on a ventilator, and couldnt' talk,, but we spend some time together,, a few minutes he was awake for me
in the next few hrs,, his blood pressure went up,, his vitals went down,, and he went into respiratory failure,,
we discontinued life support,, we were all there at his side talking to him on his trip to heaven,, then they all stepped out,, and i pulled out his endo tube, and ng tube,, and cleaned up his face so mom could see him again,,
he took such great pains to make sure mom would be ok ,, but how can someone be ok after 53 ys of marriage,, and suddenly find themselves alone? we can all understand why he did it,, but that doesn't take away the pain of missing him,,
the day he took his life,, it was a very cold ugly windy day here,, but at 3:30,, the sun came out, with a beautiful rainbow,, and i went out back and took a picture,, we live in the country, and there is a field behind us,, with the tree line in the distance that was beautiful gold. red and orange
at that exact moment is when my dad pulled the trigger,, i believe that was not a coincidence,, and when my d/h and i went to the funeral director to drop off the obituary,, on his desk was a photo of a rainbow,, my dad was in talking to him just before he went out to get his pistol,, i find comfort in the thought that dad was looking at that rainbow just before he went outside,,
my little brother ( he's 43 ) was able to speak with dad before they flew him to pgh,, and dad said he did it for all of us,, as his pain and suffering was affecting mom and all of us,, it was so clear that we could all see how he was suffering, and in constant pain,, his neck was fused,, and he couldn't turn his head,, and barely lift his arms, ,even to pick up a coffee cup,, the last few months were really slowing him down,,
i know there are people out there that might still consider what he did was weak,, but we all understand why he did it,, and are going on with our lives,, i still hunt ( i got his special hunting rifle ) we always hunted together
i have had a few sessions with a hypnotherapist/emotional healer,, but sometimes i am in really bad shape,, i know it is time for a reinforcement session,,
i send balloons to heaven with notes i write on them, i find comfort in that,,
a good friend of mine at work's wife died suddenly from a fast growing cancer in november,, the other day he was walking out of a patient's room,, and he was laughing heartily,,
i went up to him and said " i know it wasn't too long ago that you told yourself that you would never laugh again,, because i've said that " and no one can tell you those days do come back, and we hugged each other and cried,,then laughed and hugged again,,
i do laugh,, and cry,, and dream about him,, but he is in the dreams,, they don't focus on him, he's just one of the players,, i am grateful i get them,, and can remember them
now,, dear board members,, i am sooo sorry for letting this out,, it has been hard to talk about,, usually ,, if someone doesns't know about the circumstances of his death, ,i just say he died tragically,,
i have no way to end this ,, but to say ,, good nite, and tell your loved ones that you really do love them,, there wasn't a phone conversation w/ him that didn't end with both of us telling each other we loved each other,, and even as an adult,, i always hugged and kised him hello and good by,,
this is the exact picture i took at 3:30 on oct 15,,2004
i do apoligize for having it so big,, i know someone can resize it,,
A few years ago, a woman who visited the library where I work killed herself. I was shocked because she didn't seem the type, but who would you call a 'type' for suicide?? Her husband sold the house without any trouble however. I would assume it takes a very strong stomach to be in that line of work! 
A few years ago, a woman who visited the library where I work killed herself. I was shocked because she didn't seem the type, but who would you call a 'type' for suicide?? Her husband sold the house without any trouble however. I would assume it takes a very strong stomach to be in that line of work! 
