Post by greenbeing on Aug 13, 2006 19:10:58 GMT -5
Mallards Behaving Badly
Starring:
Ron Elduck as Kevin
Puddles Schneiduck as Jamie
Justdiving Baitman as Sarah
Opening Scene: Kevin and Jamie’s apartment
Jamie: Quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack.
Kevin: (waddles up behind Jamie from the bedrooms) You auditioning for Hamlet?
Jamie: (glares at Kevin) Ha ha. That’s a pig show.
Kevin: Speaking of pigs, we gotta clean this place up. Sarah will be over here any minute.
Jamie: So?
Kevin: Need I say it?
Jamie: Say what?
Kevin: This place looks like a pig pen. A pig sty. A—
Jamie: You don’t need to say it.
Kevin: A corporate law office.
Jamie: Quack.
Kevin: Speaking of which, don’t you have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon?
Jamie: Don’t remind me.
Kevin: I just did.
Jamie: I don’t know how I let you talk me into this.
Kevin: It’s called I needed one afternoon alone with Sarah. Just the two of us.
Jamie: Word of advice? If she drops an egg, don’t fertilize it.
Kevin: Why would I do that? You know me better than that.
Jamie: Women sometimes hide them. Like in the couch cushions.
Kevin: What are you quacking on about?
Jamie: Trust me on this.
Kevin: How many illegitimate children do you have?
Jamie: Eight. See ya. (exits out the front door)
Kevin: Eight?
Scene Two: Kevin and Jamie’s apartment
Sarah: (on the sofa) Why don’t you sit down, Kevin?
Kevin: What?
Sarah: Sit.
Kevin: No thanks.
Sarah: I thought, with Jamie out of our feathers for once, you and I could… you know, cuddle.
Kevin: Cuddle? (gulps)
Sarah: Is something wrong, Kevin?
Kevin: No. No, nothing’s wrong. Of course not.
Sarah: Then why won’t you sit down?
Kevin: Because, uh—
Sarah: Why?
Kevin: Jamie thought there might be something in the couch cushions.
Sarah: Like?
Kevin: Snakes.
Sarah: (jumps up) Snakes?
Kevin: And a badger.
Sarah: (stares at him) Don’t you think you’d notice if there was a badger in your couch?
Badger: (pokes his head out of the cushions) Hey, girly, stop badgering my witness. (disappears)
A slight pause.
Sarah: I thought that court case was over.
Kevin: It didn’t end well.
Sarah: (sighs) Well, we don’t have to stay on the couch. (waddles down the hall toward the bedrooms) Your room okay?
Kevin: (gulps) For what? You wanna play field hockey?
Sarah: That’s not exactly the hockey I had in mind, Kevin.
Kevin: (feigning ignorance) What’d you have in mind, Sarah?
Badger: (pokes his head out for a cameo appearance) Tonsil hockey, I think. (disappears)
Sarah: Kevin, the badger living in your couch isn’t very romantic. You wanna go back to my place?
Kevin: No!
Sarah: Kevin?
Kevin: I’m really worried about Jamie. He had a big doctor’s appointment today.
Sarah: He came from a soft-boiled egg; what’s the doctor going to tell him? That he’s loony? Going a little soft in the head? His brains are fried?
Kevin: He’s, uh, he’s molting!
Sarah: So what? Everyone molts.
Kevin: Do they?
Sarah: I’m a veterinary nurse, Kevin; I know these things.
Kevin: Did I say molting? I meant, molding.
Sarah: Eww.
Scene Three: Kevin and Jamie’s living room
The front door bursts open.
Jamie: (yelling) Kevin? Kevin!
Kevin waddles in.
Jamie: There you are! I have the best news.
Kevin: Your physical went okay? You can start flying again?
Jamie: Well, no.
Kevin: You can’t?
Jamie: I didn’t exactly make it that far.
Kevin: Have you been drinking?
Jamie: I learned my lesson, my pal. No more drinking and flying for old Jamie here.
Kevin: But new Jamie can do whatever he wants, huh?
Jamie: I learned my lesson after one FUI—
Badger: (yells out) Well, F-U, too, pal!
Jamie: Still bitter?
Kevin: (sadly) Yeah. (remembers something) Which is nothing compared to what Sarah will be if I don’t get back in the bedroom.
Jamie: You didn’t sit on anything, did you?
Kevin: Of course not.
Jamie: Frew!
Kevin: I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Jamie: Wait! You haven’t heard my news!
Kevin: Can’t it wait?
Jamie: I’m in love.
Kevin: Again?
Jamie: You should be saying, with who.
Kevin: Okay, okay, with who?
Jamie: I was waddling down at the pond—
Kevin: You’re not supposed to be at the pond.
Jamie: I know.
Kevin: They don’t want your kind there.
Jamie: I know that, Kevin.
Kevin: They throw empty beer bottles at your head.
Jamie: So? They throw full beer bottles at yours.
Kevin: That’s a vast improvement over the empty ones.
Jamie: You got a concussion last time.
Kevin: I got a concussion and a buzz. All you got was the concussion.
Jamie: Yeah, but I didn’t have the hangover the next morning.
Kevin: Point taken.
Jamie: So I was at the pond and this gorgeous, red-breasted petite little thing waddles by—
Kevin: A redhead?
Jamie: Yeah, she was red there, too.
Kevin: Jamie, that was a cardinal. There’s a whole family in the oak tree there.
Jamie: She’s got a family?
Kevin: That’s not the point. You can’t go out with a cardinal.
Jamie: You’d rather I go out with a Red Sox fan?
Kevin: Jamie, get on with it.
Jamie: And when’s the last time a mallard didn’t bite me?
Kevin: Jamie, I think I hear Sarah calling.
Jamie: That’s the cat down the street yowling at the moon.
Kevin: Oh.
Jamie: So this chick—
Kevin: She was that young?
Jamie: We can’t call girls chicks?
Kevin: No.
Jamie: Okay, this foxy lady with the perky breast, she goes strutting by.
Kevin: She eats worms.
Jamie: I eat pond scum.
Kevin: Go on.
Jamie: You think if I gave her my number, she’d give me a call?
Kevin: I think she’d give your number to the biggest telemarketing firm in the Midwest.
Jamie: She wouldn’t do that.
Kevin: Then she’d give it to that Czech restaurant down the street. Sunday brunch menu strike a bell?
Jamie: Give me a break, just once, Kev, please? Can’t I be in love?
Kevin: She’s not even a duck!
Jamie: Is it…
Kevin: What?
Jamie: Is it considered bestiality? If we’re both birds?
Scene Four: A bus station
Howard the Duck: (waves his cigar) Hey, pal, got a light?
Jamie: No thanks, I don’t want to spontaneously combust.
Howard: Excuse me?
Jamie: One, you’re a guy. Two, do you know how many diesel fumes there are in a bus station? We’re talking ozone erosion greater than a farting cow using Aquanet.
Howard: Which bus you gonna be on, huh?
Jamie: Mexico.
Howard: Good.
Jamie: Why?
Howard: Because that’s not my bus. (walks off)
Kevin: (waddling along through the waiting room) Jamie? Jamie?!
Sarah: (whispering beside him) Jamie? Jamie?
Kevin: There he is. Jamie!
Jamie: Kevin? What are you doing here?
Kevin: I’m sorry for what I said, Jamie. Come home.
Jamie: You mean it?
Sarah: You want him to come home so you can continue to pay his rent, buy his food, and clean up his messes?
Jamie: Hey, I’ll have you know, that mess by the front door wasn’t mine.
Sarah: I wasn’t talking about those messes.
Jamie: (to Kevin) The mess in her shoes was mine, but not the one by the door…
Sarah: I’m talking about all the scrapes you get into when Kevin has to bail you out. All those obnoxious jerks you bring home.
Jamie: I’m sorry, Sarah, as pretty as you are, I can’t be swayed by your logic. Kevin doesn’t want me up here, so I’m headed to Mexico.
Kevin: Mexico?
Jamie: Land of siestas—I’ve had plenty of practice—and sunlight.
Kevin: Mexico? (to Sarah) Hon, it really doesn’t feel like I’m saving him if I make him stay here. I mean, Mexico. It’s not like Mexico can ruin his life.
Jamie: Come with.
Kevin: Serious?
Sarah: Kevin, you have a job. An apartment.
Kevin: We’re ducks. We migrate.
Scene Five: Phone booth
Kevin: You heard me, Harry. Migraine. I won’t be in tomorrow.
Scene Six: Mexican beach
All three are lounging on towels in the sun.
Sarah: Kevin, I think I’m starting to bake.
Kevin: That’s impossible. You’d have to be in at least 350 degrees to start baking properly.
Jamie: I’m really liking this new drink they have on the menu. It’s called the “baster.”
Sarah: I think this suntan lotion smells like rosemary…
Starring:
Ron Elduck as Kevin
Puddles Schneiduck as Jamie
Justdiving Baitman as Sarah
Opening Scene: Kevin and Jamie’s apartment
Jamie: Quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack.
Kevin: (waddles up behind Jamie from the bedrooms) You auditioning for Hamlet?
Jamie: (glares at Kevin) Ha ha. That’s a pig show.
Kevin: Speaking of pigs, we gotta clean this place up. Sarah will be over here any minute.
Jamie: So?
Kevin: Need I say it?
Jamie: Say what?
Kevin: This place looks like a pig pen. A pig sty. A—
Jamie: You don’t need to say it.
Kevin: A corporate law office.
Jamie: Quack.
Kevin: Speaking of which, don’t you have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon?
Jamie: Don’t remind me.
Kevin: I just did.
Jamie: I don’t know how I let you talk me into this.
Kevin: It’s called I needed one afternoon alone with Sarah. Just the two of us.
Jamie: Word of advice? If she drops an egg, don’t fertilize it.
Kevin: Why would I do that? You know me better than that.
Jamie: Women sometimes hide them. Like in the couch cushions.
Kevin: What are you quacking on about?
Jamie: Trust me on this.
Kevin: How many illegitimate children do you have?
Jamie: Eight. See ya. (exits out the front door)
Kevin: Eight?
Scene Two: Kevin and Jamie’s apartment
Sarah: (on the sofa) Why don’t you sit down, Kevin?
Kevin: What?
Sarah: Sit.
Kevin: No thanks.
Sarah: I thought, with Jamie out of our feathers for once, you and I could… you know, cuddle.
Kevin: Cuddle? (gulps)
Sarah: Is something wrong, Kevin?
Kevin: No. No, nothing’s wrong. Of course not.
Sarah: Then why won’t you sit down?
Kevin: Because, uh—
Sarah: Why?
Kevin: Jamie thought there might be something in the couch cushions.
Sarah: Like?
Kevin: Snakes.
Sarah: (jumps up) Snakes?
Kevin: And a badger.
Sarah: (stares at him) Don’t you think you’d notice if there was a badger in your couch?
Badger: (pokes his head out of the cushions) Hey, girly, stop badgering my witness. (disappears)
A slight pause.
Sarah: I thought that court case was over.
Kevin: It didn’t end well.
Sarah: (sighs) Well, we don’t have to stay on the couch. (waddles down the hall toward the bedrooms) Your room okay?
Kevin: (gulps) For what? You wanna play field hockey?
Sarah: That’s not exactly the hockey I had in mind, Kevin.
Kevin: (feigning ignorance) What’d you have in mind, Sarah?
Badger: (pokes his head out for a cameo appearance) Tonsil hockey, I think. (disappears)
Sarah: Kevin, the badger living in your couch isn’t very romantic. You wanna go back to my place?
Kevin: No!
Sarah: Kevin?
Kevin: I’m really worried about Jamie. He had a big doctor’s appointment today.
Sarah: He came from a soft-boiled egg; what’s the doctor going to tell him? That he’s loony? Going a little soft in the head? His brains are fried?
Kevin: He’s, uh, he’s molting!
Sarah: So what? Everyone molts.
Kevin: Do they?
Sarah: I’m a veterinary nurse, Kevin; I know these things.
Kevin: Did I say molting? I meant, molding.
Sarah: Eww.
Scene Three: Kevin and Jamie’s living room
The front door bursts open.
Jamie: (yelling) Kevin? Kevin!
Kevin waddles in.
Jamie: There you are! I have the best news.
Kevin: Your physical went okay? You can start flying again?
Jamie: Well, no.
Kevin: You can’t?
Jamie: I didn’t exactly make it that far.
Kevin: Have you been drinking?
Jamie: I learned my lesson, my pal. No more drinking and flying for old Jamie here.
Kevin: But new Jamie can do whatever he wants, huh?
Jamie: I learned my lesson after one FUI—
Badger: (yells out) Well, F-U, too, pal!
Jamie: Still bitter?
Kevin: (sadly) Yeah. (remembers something) Which is nothing compared to what Sarah will be if I don’t get back in the bedroom.
Jamie: You didn’t sit on anything, did you?
Kevin: Of course not.
Jamie: Frew!
Kevin: I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Jamie: Wait! You haven’t heard my news!
Kevin: Can’t it wait?
Jamie: I’m in love.
Kevin: Again?
Jamie: You should be saying, with who.
Kevin: Okay, okay, with who?
Jamie: I was waddling down at the pond—
Kevin: You’re not supposed to be at the pond.
Jamie: I know.
Kevin: They don’t want your kind there.
Jamie: I know that, Kevin.
Kevin: They throw empty beer bottles at your head.
Jamie: So? They throw full beer bottles at yours.
Kevin: That’s a vast improvement over the empty ones.
Jamie: You got a concussion last time.
Kevin: I got a concussion and a buzz. All you got was the concussion.
Jamie: Yeah, but I didn’t have the hangover the next morning.
Kevin: Point taken.
Jamie: So I was at the pond and this gorgeous, red-breasted petite little thing waddles by—
Kevin: A redhead?
Jamie: Yeah, she was red there, too.
Kevin: Jamie, that was a cardinal. There’s a whole family in the oak tree there.
Jamie: She’s got a family?
Kevin: That’s not the point. You can’t go out with a cardinal.
Jamie: You’d rather I go out with a Red Sox fan?
Kevin: Jamie, get on with it.
Jamie: And when’s the last time a mallard didn’t bite me?
Kevin: Jamie, I think I hear Sarah calling.
Jamie: That’s the cat down the street yowling at the moon.
Kevin: Oh.
Jamie: So this chick—
Kevin: She was that young?
Jamie: We can’t call girls chicks?
Kevin: No.
Jamie: Okay, this foxy lady with the perky breast, she goes strutting by.
Kevin: She eats worms.
Jamie: I eat pond scum.
Kevin: Go on.
Jamie: You think if I gave her my number, she’d give me a call?
Kevin: I think she’d give your number to the biggest telemarketing firm in the Midwest.
Jamie: She wouldn’t do that.
Kevin: Then she’d give it to that Czech restaurant down the street. Sunday brunch menu strike a bell?
Jamie: Give me a break, just once, Kev, please? Can’t I be in love?
Kevin: She’s not even a duck!
Jamie: Is it…
Kevin: What?
Jamie: Is it considered bestiality? If we’re both birds?
Scene Four: A bus station
Howard the Duck: (waves his cigar) Hey, pal, got a light?
Jamie: No thanks, I don’t want to spontaneously combust.
Howard: Excuse me?
Jamie: One, you’re a guy. Two, do you know how many diesel fumes there are in a bus station? We’re talking ozone erosion greater than a farting cow using Aquanet.
Howard: Which bus you gonna be on, huh?
Jamie: Mexico.
Howard: Good.
Jamie: Why?
Howard: Because that’s not my bus. (walks off)
Kevin: (waddling along through the waiting room) Jamie? Jamie?!
Sarah: (whispering beside him) Jamie? Jamie?
Kevin: There he is. Jamie!
Jamie: Kevin? What are you doing here?
Kevin: I’m sorry for what I said, Jamie. Come home.
Jamie: You mean it?
Sarah: You want him to come home so you can continue to pay his rent, buy his food, and clean up his messes?
Jamie: Hey, I’ll have you know, that mess by the front door wasn’t mine.
Sarah: I wasn’t talking about those messes.
Jamie: (to Kevin) The mess in her shoes was mine, but not the one by the door…
Sarah: I’m talking about all the scrapes you get into when Kevin has to bail you out. All those obnoxious jerks you bring home.
Jamie: I’m sorry, Sarah, as pretty as you are, I can’t be swayed by your logic. Kevin doesn’t want me up here, so I’m headed to Mexico.
Kevin: Mexico?
Jamie: Land of siestas—I’ve had plenty of practice—and sunlight.
Kevin: Mexico? (to Sarah) Hon, it really doesn’t feel like I’m saving him if I make him stay here. I mean, Mexico. It’s not like Mexico can ruin his life.
Jamie: Come with.
Kevin: Serious?
Sarah: Kevin, you have a job. An apartment.
Kevin: We’re ducks. We migrate.
Scene Five: Phone booth
Kevin: You heard me, Harry. Migraine. I won’t be in tomorrow.
Scene Six: Mexican beach
All three are lounging on towels in the sun.
Sarah: Kevin, I think I’m starting to bake.
Kevin: That’s impossible. You’d have to be in at least 350 degrees to start baking properly.
Jamie: I’m really liking this new drink they have on the menu. It’s called the “baster.”
Sarah: I think this suntan lotion smells like rosemary…
Nice badger! Hee hee. Karma, snicker, hee ha ha. 