Jokes

[Chris]

From the Picture of the Day thread:

chocky said:

By the way Chris, we saw Mary on the news with the new baby and she was speaking Danish (Mary was, not the baby!). Does she speak Danish well? I've heard it's a very hard language to learn.

I came across this site today. Here you can learn about Denmark and Danish language. It's kind of like Wikipedia, except that you should not believe anything you read there ;D
About Danish : uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Danish
And Denmark in general: uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Denmark

This one is too funny, and yes, Middelfart IS a town

Middelfart - Danish farts always come in threes. But it's the middle fart they're most famous for... they even named a town after it. Middelfart - it is a town. Don't go there. Middelfart is also known to have alot of elevators - especially Godselevators.

Have fun ;D
- Chris

[inuvik]

OMG, this Uncylopedia site is a RIOT! Karma Chris!

Here is their satirical take on Eric Stoltz. They said he's a criminal and took all his 'bad-ass" movie roles to prove it.

uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Eric_Stoltz (very short, and a good laugh!)

Sorry folks, no RE article yet. Shall I DARE one of you to create one?

Modified to add: Oh what the hey, here it is:

Eric Stoltz
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Eric Stoltz (1961- ) is a famous US criminal.

Eric Stoltz was a deformed child of Cher. He was teased at school but then in 1985, at age 24 he discovered a way to cure himself. At the time he started working at a science lab so he teleported himself with his boss, getting the good genes from the boss and leaving the boss practically dead. He then tried to go back to 1968 but was outwitted by Marty McFly. He then became involved in trading drugs. In 1994 he famously gave drugs to John Travolta and Uma Thurman. He also grew long hair and a beard so as to not be confused with Michael J. Fox, as previously they looked extremely similar, the only difference being that Stoltz was tall and had red hair. In 1994 he became a bank robber and expert safecracker. He then decided to quit crime for a time, cutting his hair and beard.

In 1996 Eric Stoltz embarked on a trip with J-Lo in order to woo her. However, he almost died when he fell into a river. Also, half of the crew were killed off by a giant Anaconda. In the late 1990's he disappeared from the scene. In the 2000's the need for money drove him to find a new job. So he started filming child pornography. In 2004 Ashton Kutcher claimed he was in a movie with Stoltz. Stoltz has repeatedly said he wanted to retire from the pornography business.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Eric_Stoltz"

[inuvik]

Following Chris, here is Canada:

uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Canada

includes this: "USA's largest natural park and tourist attraction". LOL!

[krissie]

Karma, Chris, for leading me to uncyclopedia. Here's the entry for Scotland. Very good. And very funny. The scarey thing is that some of it is even true.

Krissie

P.S. And, just so you all know, I have never tried a deep fried Mars bar. Haggis, however, is yummy.

[Duchess of Lashes]

Sorry to take the thread away from uncyclopedia but someone sent this to me today and I had to share. If you have already seen it, sorry! But this is "making fun of politics" at its absolute best.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGHty_S0TU0

[Chris]

krissie said:

P.S. And, just so you all know, I have never tried a deep fried Mars bar. Haggis, however, is yummy.

I think I heard of the fried Mars bars - people do actually eat them, right???
Even if I think Haggis sounds a little disgusting, I would prefer that over a fried Mars bar anytime

longlashes said:

Sorry to take the thread away from uncyclopedia but someone sent this to me today and I had to share. If you have already seen it, sorry! But this is "making fun of politics" at its absolute best.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGHty_S0TU0

It's Ok to take us away from uncyclopedia (even if I learned a lot there ) for the I-rack, it's hilarious ;D

- Chris

[inuvik]

inuvik said:

Sorry folks, no RE article yet. Shall I DARE one of you to create one?

So, like, no one wants to take up the challenge of writing an uncyclopedia profile for Ron?

With all the fans on here?

And all the writers on here?

[anna]

chris said:

krissie said:

P.S. And, just so you all know, I have never tried a deep fried Mars bar. Haggis, however, is yummy.

I think I heard of the fried Mars bars - people do actually eat them, right???
Even if I think Haggis sounds a little disgusting, I would prefer that over a fried Mars bar anytime

I tasted haggis when I was in Scotland, and it actually did taste ok. However, it's one of those things that it's best not to think about too much - both before and after you swallow.

[Chris]

inuvik said:

So, like, no one wants to take up the challenge of writing an uncyclopedia profile for Ron?

With all the fans on here?

And all the writers on here?

No, not me, I don't have the stomach for that
Big fan, not a writer and no guts!!!

anna said:

I tasted haggis when I was in Scotland, and it actually did taste ok. However, it's one of those things that it's best not to think about too much - both before and after you swallow.

I believe you, I made the mistake of looking up the recipe.
I think you might be better off if you don't know how it's made (or from what ) Am I right, Krissie??
- Chris

[krissie]

anna said:

chris said:

I think I heard of the fried Mars bars - people do actually eat them, right???
Even if I think Haggis sounds a little disgusting, I would prefer that over a fried Mars bar anytime

I tasted haggis when I was in Scotland, and it actually did taste ok. However, it's one of those things that it's best not to think about too much - both before and after you swallow.

Oh, you guys! You really make me laugh! And bless you all for being interested!

First, while I've never actually seen anywhere that sells them, yes, there really are some fish and chip shops that will deep fry Mars bars for you. You can also get deep fried pizzas, which also sound pretty disgusting to me -- and I do know of somewhere that will do that. No, I've never tried one, nor have I been into that particular establishment. (My cousin generously described it as, 'The worst fish and chip shop in the world', then went on to say that, 'even the seagulls wouldn't eat the deep fried pizza', which rather put me off!)

Haggis: I wouldn't think about it too much, if I were you, no. Having said that, I happen to have a tin of haggis in my larder, so I can tell you that the ingredients are: Lamb lungs; oatmeal; beef suet; Scottish water; onion; salt; spices. (Yes, the ingredients specifically say that the water is Scottish.)

Does having a haggis in the pantry make me a cultural stereotype? ;D If so, I might have to tell you that I'm <gulp> English, just to convince you otherwise!

The great thing about buying haggis in a tin is that you don't have to have the sheep's stomach to stuff it in! Without that ingredient, haggis doesn't sound quite so disgusting, does it?

Plus... for the squeamish, you can buy vegetarian haggis, which entirely lacks the 'ick' factor. Then again, it also lacks practically all the other ingredients so begs the question, what's the point?

Krissie

[Chris]

krissie said:

Does having a haggis in the pantry make me a cultural stereotype? ;D If so, I might have to tell you that I'm <gulp> English, just to convince you otherwise!

You brave woman!!!!
Having read the uncyclopedia entry on Scotland I'm in awe that you are brave enough to live in Scotland, they don't seem to like the English very well ;D

krissie said:

The great thing about buying haggis in a tin is that you don't have to have the sheep's stomach to stuff it in! Without that ingredient, haggis doesn't sound quite so disgusting, does it?

I don't know.... the lung thing still doesn't seem that attractive to me... But maybe the scottish water makes up for that
On the other hand, I have eaten kidneys, liver (yuck ) hearts, tongue (groce) pigs feet, heads and tails and frog legs so why not lungs?
Eeeww, there is so much disgusting food in the world

- Chris

[inuvik]

Not really a joke, but rather interesting trivia I just ran across.

On May 6, just after 2 AM we can write:

02:03:04 05/06/07


And then this one is just for the fellow Canadians and hockey fans. This was an editorial cartoon last week.

It showed Parliament flying a "Go Sens Go" flag. There's two bubbles--we don't know who is speaking, but we can guess.

The dialogue is along the lines of:

"Sir, aren't you worried about alienating the West?"

"Why, the Flames have already lost."

[inuvik]

Quiet day here--do we need a laugh?

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'.. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Chris]

inuvik said:

Quiet day here--do we need a laugh?

Karma for the laugh, I needed it

Take care and keep smiling
- Chris

[Chris]

Here's something for the teachers on this board - and for the rest of us ;D

7 reasons not to mess with children:

1.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it is a very large mammal its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children, while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed, that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong, and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at, when you are all grown up and say; "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it, that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

7.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Take care and keep smiling
- Chris