Jokes

[Colorado girl]

Thanks Chris, I really enjoyed the jokes about teachers....Karma for posting them...

[mlm828]

A little legal humor that isn't a lawyer joke:

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

"Jury trial," the defendant replied.

"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.

"Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

[maggiethecat]

Karma for the genuinely funny joke, mlm! Makes me think of the old line about a jury being composed of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[inuvik]

maggiethecat said:

Karma for the genuinely funny joke, mlm! Makes me think of the old line about a jury being composed of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I have always wanted jury duty! It's annoying that those who don't want to be called, get called, and people like me, don't.

[inuvik]

This is not a joke! An actual service. Unbelievable. If your area has a number, give it a call. Hilarious.

There is an actual number that one could give out as a bogus home phone # to let’s say - someone they met in the bar one night.

The link to the site is

www.rejectionhotline.com/numbers.aspx

It's funny, but overall, this is pretty cowardly. If you aren't interested in the person, don't give out your phone number!

[Colorado girl]

Joshua climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Joshua asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Joshua asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Chris]

I saw these for the first time years ago and came across them again today. They are hilarious.... ;D

Qantas Airlines after every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

- Chris

[inuvik]

Along the same line as Chris'--and believe me, these seem like they are fake but are not! I fly WestJet a lot and I have even heard some of these announcements.


You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.

West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" (this is news to me, every one I've been on has assigned seating!)
-----------------------
On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario , a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, and it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
------------------------------
Another West Jet flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---------------------
A West Jet airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
A West Jet plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montréal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[hoosier]

Oh my gosh!!! I was roaring here, almost in tears. I especially liked the little old lady's comment but the last one was the best! At least they can have a sense of humor about it.

[inuvik]

Here's a good one.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
'I feel terrible,' ! he explains, 'I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.'

The woman says, 'Don't worry.' She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, 'What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,

'Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.'

[Chris]

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Karma!!!

- Chris

[Chris]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe', try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[rducasey]

Karma Chris, for the joke. Loved it. Makes me always wonder who has the time to sit around making up these jokes.

(from someone who can spend hours writing a limerick and searching for an appropriate screencap.....oops)

And karma to you too for eight in a row posts. "that must be some kind of a record".

And while I am at it, Lindy, I love your new avatar, you old cropper you.

[Chris]

May 28, 2008 15:05:30 GMT -5 rducasey said:

Karma Chris, for the joke. Loved it. Makes me always wonder who has the time to sit around making up these jokes.

(from someone who can spend hours writing a limerick and searching for an appropriate screencap.....oops)

I've often wondered about that too. And how do they come up with them anyway??

May 28, 2008 15:05:30 GMT -5 rducasey said:

And karma to you too for eight in a row posts. "that must be some kind of a record".

Well, that's what happens when you are on line all day at work with nothing else to do. ;D
Thank you for karma'ing me.

May 28, 2008 15:05:30 GMT -5 rducasey said:

And while I am at it, Lindy, I love your new avatar, you old cropper you.

Very cool avatar, Lindy.

- Chris

[Kasman]

Definitions Not in the Dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.




MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. I have character lines.