Jokes

[Colorado girl]

Here is a Dog diary and a Cat's diary:

~The Dog's Diary~
>
> 8:00 am - Dog Food! My favorite thing!
>
> 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
>
> 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
>
> 10:30 am - Got rubbed & petted! My favorite thing!
>
> 12:00 am - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
>
> 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
>
> 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
>
> 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
>
> 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
>
> 8:00 pm - WOW! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
>
> 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


>
> ~The Cat's Diary~
>
> Day 983 of my captivity.
>
> My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangly objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
>
> Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped that this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
>
> There was some sort of assembly of their complices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and the smell of food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
>
> Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
>
> I am convinced that the other prisoners are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
>
> The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custodyfor him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now.........
>

[bjobsessed]

Love the cat!

[hoosier]

That was so funny. I can just imagine the cat sitting in the corner thinking those thoughts. Karma for making me laugh out loud.

[Chris]

So very true!!!! ;D

- Chris

[Chris]

Looking for a job??? ;D



- Chris

[Chris]

This is the end....

www.internetlastpage.com/

- Chris

[Kasman]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your coat on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

[housemouse]

What did zero say to eight?

"I like your belt."

[inuvik]

Ha ha! Especially funny for the Canadians, but I think some are general enough for everyone to enjoy. I put my faves in red.

Have a great long weekend!


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $800,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm so the dress code is really relaxed.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $800,000 Toronto home is a spacious cardboard box in an alley.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American style crime.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo @#!%'s'


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick, it's in the Charter.
4. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't will drink until they think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

[Kasman]

Aug 29, 2008 16:38:59 GMT -5 inuvik said:

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.

Actually, can I pick a nit here?

Anyone who has been to Vancouver can tell you that there's a shitload of bridges, not just two: Burrard Street Bridge, Granville Street Bridge, Lion's Gate Bridge, Iron Workers Memorial Bridge, Cambie Street Bridge, Arthur Laing Bridge, Knight Street Bridge, Oak Street Bridge...and that's just for starters...

However, I'm guessing the exaggeration extended to numbers - maybe it just *seems* like there's two.

[bump]

I got this via e-mail (one of the best forwards I've gotten in a while).

How gas prices have affected Batman:

[Kasman]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
Your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
And a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
To contact at least
One unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

[inuvik]

Fresh from the Inbox, a really good one:

Sign of the times

Letter to bank as follows:

"Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me... If one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?"

[hoosier]

Oct 16, 2008 14:41:05 GMT -5 inuvik said:

Fresh from the Inbox, a really good one:

Sign of the times

Letter to bank as follows:

"Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me... If one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?"

Ooooo, good one.

[inuvik]

Got this pic in my e-mail, so I searched to find it on the net somewhere! Here it is:

gregoire.org/2008/10/06/if-the-candidates-were-phones/

Cruel but funny.