Jokes

[inuvik]

Hi, I got this yesterday: I know it's a day late for Robbie Burns Day, but too funny not to post! And we didn't have a joke thread, so now we do!


Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy
breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

[Chris]

Too funny, Inuvik LOL!!!!

These are in fact not jokes, these are real quotes from people having a litttle trouble speaking english

I am in the beginning of my period (Marianne Jelved, Danish Politician, she was recently re-elected for another term as member of the Danish Parliament)

Screw down your expectations (Coach of the Danish National Soccer Team)

We wanted to play with long balls (Danish Soccer-player)

Two chocolate balls, please (A Dane at an American bakery)

The prick over the I (Jytte Hilden, Danish Politician, I think she meant to dot the I, in Danish that means to make something perfect - a dot is called "Prik")

To a waiter in an English Restaurant: "I would like to pay the building"

A Dane in an English Pub: "Can I borrow the toilet?"

A Dane getting off a train in London: "Let's get out in a fart!" (The Danish word “Fart” means “Fast”)

At summer camp: Please don't clean your dishes in the shower. Use the snake outside instead (In Danish the words for hose and snake are the same)

A Danish tourist trying to cross a street in New York almost got hit by several cars. A Police Officer saw him and yelled at him:
- Did you come here to die?
The Tourist answered: No, I came yesterday

A Danish lawyer was on vacation in London touring the city by night with some friends. They took a cab home and the lawyer sat next to the driver. Before getting in the cab he opened the right door and said: Oh yes, the rat is on the other side here in England (A steering wheel is called “Rat” in Danish)

A Dane at an English Restaurant: I would like to have a bloody beef please.
The waiter replies: And maybe you want it with some f**king potatoes?

A Dane asked an English man: "Do you have a smoke?" – Who politely, yet in a sarcastic tone, replied: I'm sorry, but I don't cigarette"

A Danish family had English guests for dinner: "We serve fishingballs to dinner"
English guest: "I didn't know the fish had balls!"

Swedish business manager: I am a man who likes to have my balls in the air

"Thank you for the mess" (The Norwegian Prime Minister after having attended Mass in a Brazilian Church, Mass is called “Messe” in Norwegian)

I thank you from the heart of my bottom

A Dane being pulled over by British Police: Excuse me, what is the fart limit? (And here “Fart” means Speed)

American Dad to the Danish babysitter: Do you want to use the rest room before we drive cross State?"
The girl: "No, I can do it in the car"


A Dane belched in an English Pub. Everyone was staring at him, so he said "To rape is not a crime" (The Danish word for belching is “Raebe”)

- Chris

[rducasey]

Oh my gosh Chris, those are so funny. I don't know which made me laugh harder. I think, the NY policeman one.

[Chris]

rducasey said:

Oh my gosh Chris, those are so funny.

They are

I am not aware that I have said anything like that in English myself - but if I did, I probably wouldn't know, would I ??

But I did do something like this interpreting....
I was interpreting for 2 girls in High School on a week-long trip to Poland. I was the last day and I had the day off. We were supposed to meet at the bus at 3 pm. sharp to begin the ride home. All the kids were there on time but one of the teachers was late due to a traffic jam. I went to tell the two deaf girls. I didn't use the right sign for "traffic jam" but bad as that may be, I did it upside-down too, so I ended up saying "traffic diarrhea"

The only explanation I can think of, is that the teacher, who was not liked amongst the students, had been sick the last three days, so diarrhea had been a topic often discussed...

A couple of months later I was again interpreting for the two girls when the teacher said something about a traffic jam....
Ohhh, no... I tried to keep a straight face but but failed ;D
The three of us started laughing and when the teacher asked me what was going on all I could say was, that I had made a mistake

- Chris

[Chris]

Got this from a friend in Australia ;D

What the Heck. Bless it and eat it.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
With our heartfelt BEST wishes for a healthy, serene and fun-filled 2007!


Take care and keep smiling
- Chris

[inuvik]

With apologies to the our lawyer on the Board, this was sent to me and it is just too funny not to post!


Lawyers in Heaven

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ... you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"

God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God replies threateningly: "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

[Deleted]

HaHa, Inuvik!

which goes nicely with:

What do you call 1,000 lawyers chained at the bottom of the ocean?



a good start


(sorry mlm, all in good fun!)

[inuvik]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health


ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Chris]

inuvik said:

AND....
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Darn!! So eventually I will die only because I have learned how to speak English???

Is it possible to un-learn a language or should I just stick to Danish from now on???

Good thing my English is in no way fluent nor perfect

Take care and keep smiling
- Chris - I am not afraid...

[carl1951]

Overheard in a British Coach Train car.

Four British gentlemen were sitting in a coach train car.

The first three, in a proper English accent introduce themselves:

Harrison, here; Captain-retired, as an officer Her Majesty's Navy Married, two sons, one a banker the other a physician.

Kennsington, here; Colonel-retired, as a officer Hr Majesty's Royal Army. Married, two sons, one a Captain in the Army the other a barrister.

Barton, here: General-retired, as an officer Hr Majesty's Royal Air Force. Married, two sons, one scientist the other a member of Parliament.

The fourth, guy, in a very Cockney accent introduces himself:

Jones here; Sergeant Major-retired, Royal Army. Never married, two sons both officers.

Later, Carl

[inuvik]

That's a good one Carl.

I think I have mentioned the Canadian news satire show, This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Well, they end every episode with an address or question about someone famous. I put one they did about Hillary Clinton in the mocking our leader thread.

Well, here is last Tuesday's, I snickered so much I actually snorted:

And we'd just like to ask Angelina Jolie, who this week announced she is planning to adopt another baby, this one from Vietnam: Is it really such a chore to just have sex with Brad Pitt?

[carl1951]

Thank you Inuvik.

There's a joke going around about that goes something like this:

When Paris Hilton calls a restaurant, the waiters asks what on the menu she wants: Ans. one of everything.

When Brittany Spears calls a chicken restaurant, the waiter asks what she wants: Ans. steak.

When Angelina Jolie calls a Chinese restaurant, the waiter asks what she wants. Ans: a boy

Later, Carl

[inuvik]

My friend posted these in his blog. If you love them as much as I do, feel free to reward me for the laughs with karma ;D

I love the first one especially. I first got it in e-mail about a year ago and have got copies of it everywhere! As a math challenged person I get a real kick out of them. The last one is my second favorite.







It's hard to read but here's what it says:

"It’s curvy, with a higher bit at the end and a rather aesthetically pleasing slope downwards toward a pretty flat straight bit. The actual graph itself consists of 2 straight lines meeting at the lower left hand corner of the graph and moving away at a 90 degree angle. Each line has an arrowhead on the end."

[rducasey]

inuvik said:

My friend posted these in his blog. If you love them as much as I do, feel free to reward me for the laughs with karma ;D

I loved them too Inuvik, especially the Expand one, and the teacher's comment- "Very funny, Peter"

Karma to you.

[mlm828]

I saw this joke about message boards on another board:

How many group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.

Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the
correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to
please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant
to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety
including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now
with something unrelated and start it all over again.