Jokes

[maggiethecat]

Not cruel at all, just funny. Karma to you!

Yeah, Sarah Palin does have a kind of Fisher-Price aura . . .

[Kasman]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done - my favourite

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

[hoosier]

Kasman, you always find the best jokes! My brother is definitely #24 and my sister is #37. After today at work all of the above would apply!

[inuvik]

The System of Things

A Christian Democrat:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A Socialist (or a Canadian New Democrat):
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A Republican (or a Canadian Conservative):
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A Democrat (or a Canadian Liberal):
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A Communist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A Fascist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows.

Democracy, American Style:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Capitalism, American Style:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

An American Corporation:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A French Corporation:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

A German Corporation:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Or
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A Russian Corporation:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A Mexican Corporation:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A Swiss Corporation:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A Brazilian Corporation:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

An Indian Corporation:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A Taliban Corporation:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

A Polish Corporation:
You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

[inuvik]

What do Canadians do in a political crisis? Why, make hockey jokes of course--what else? ;D

Got these today in my e-mail.

Having decided that the Detroit Redwings technically won the 2008 Stanley Cup, the Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers and Dallas Stars have formed a coalition demanding a three way ownership of the league title. Rationale for their decision revolves around their total combined scoring in the 2008 Semi-Finals, their total share of season ticket holders versus the Detroit Redwings and their horror at discovering the Detroit Redwings are using a more cost effective and efficient but non-union made Silver polish to keep the Stanley Cup gleaming.

The three teams are being assisted in their bid to overturn the traditional results by members of the Quebec Hockey League who have no real interest in the success of the NHL in general but sense an opportunity to demand Zamboni’s and other critical equipment be manufactured in Quebec. Player representatives, Team Owners and Nike are expected to submit their proposals to Don Cherry in the next few days. Fans and ticket holders are neither being asked or allowed a voice in the final decision.

AND

Canada was stunned Monday when it was announced that The Stanley Cup will be awarded to the Toronto Maple Leafs, possibly as early as December 6th.

The cup will be stripped from from 2008 playoff champions the Detroit Red Wings and be awarded to the Leafs, who didn't even make the playoffs.

How is this possible, Canadians ask?

Well, the Leafs have formed a coalition with eastern conference semifinalists the Montreal Canadians, and conference quarter finalists the Ottawa Senators, now outnumbering the Red Wings.

According to current Leaf coach Ron Wilson "the Red Wings have lost the confidence of the league and should hand the cup over immediately to our coalition".

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is cutting short a European trip to try to resolve the unprecedented hockey crisis that could force a second playoff series, or see an opposing team coalition take the cup.